That one's hard to believe unless the caller's suffering from memory loss.
That one's hard to believe unless the caller's suffering from memory loss.
There were two brothers who were identical twins. Danny was married but Roy was single and owned a small dilapidated boat. It just so happened that on the same day that Danny's wife died, Roy's boat sank. A kind old lady met Roy on the street and mistaking him for his brother Danny said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible."
Roy said, "Well I'm not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the first time I got her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, and once leaked all over the place. What finished her off though was four guys from the other side of town that came looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her to them, but warned them she wasn't too hot. But they insisted they wanted to giver her a try. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for and she cracked right down the middle."
The old lady fainted.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
kitkat you were the engineering student =D
KitKat KitKat KitKat.... what have we told you about striping in public????
I Don't like to say anything twice
Three Berkeley CS proffessors and 3 Stanfurd profs. are on a train together on their way to a conference. They are sitting accross the aisle from each other. The Berkeley prof's see the ticket takers coming down the aisle and all get their tickets out, but one of em notices that between the three Stanfurd Professors there is only one ticket. The Berkleye professors ask the Stanfurds, where are your other tickets? The Stanfurd's reply, Watch this, and they all go and squeze into one Bathroom together, when the ticket dude comes by they stick out one arm and give him one ticket. The berkeley Professors are fairly impressed.
On the return trip the Berkeley profs and Stanford Profs are sitting across from each other again. Feeling superior from the prior meetings stunt the Stanfurd proffessors ask the Berkeley Profs how many tickets they bought this time, exclaiming that they only need one again, the Berkeley prof's say none. The Stanfurd proffesors are amazed that the Berkeleys have become so arrogant, but as they are about to ask how they plan to get away with it, they see the ticket guy again and flee to the bathroom. After a minute or so one of the Berkeley Proffesors goes to the BAthroom, knocks and says, "Ticket please" then takes it and the three Berkeley proffessors all go into the other bathroom.
When man invented the bicycle he reached the peak of his attainments. Here was a machine of precision and balance for the convenience of man. And (unlike subsequent inventions for man's convenience) the more he used it, the fitter his body became. Here, for once, was a product of man's brain that was entirely beneficial to those who used it, and of no harm or irritation to others. Progress should have stopped when man invented the bicycle. ~Elizabeth West, Hovel in theHills
@ Cal_kashi: I've heard that one, it's a classic. Always funny, and adaptable to any two groups of people so you can choose who to make fun of.
The only jokes I know are calculus jokes and engineering jokes. And since there's no way I'd reveal just how much of a geek I am by telling a calculus joke, here's another engineering joke:
They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the priest.
Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.
The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what your problem is."
Best pick up lines ever:
Lets integrate and Multiply.
or
I'd like to measure the area under your curves.
When man invented the bicycle he reached the peak of his attainments. Here was a machine of precision and balance for the convenience of man. And (unlike subsequent inventions for man's convenience) the more he used it, the fitter his body became. Here, for once, was a product of man's brain that was entirely beneficial to those who used it, and of no harm or irritation to others. Progress should have stopped when man invented the bicycle. ~Elizabeth West, Hovel in theHills
I am too lazy to read above, so if it's already posted too bad.
There is two muffins in the oven
Muffin1: Dang...it's hot in here - says the one muffin to the other.
The second muffin replies:
Muffin2: OH MY GOSH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!
HAHAHAHA!
[21:48] * DO furiously masturbates to #gotwoot
____________________________________________
Elementary, My Dear Watson
One lovely evening, the detective Sherlock Holmes and his trusty friend Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After having dinner and drinking a few glasses of wine, they became tired and went to sleep. A couple hours passed and Sherlock Holmes awoke, and shortly thereafter woke Dr. Watson as well. He said, "Watson, look up, and tell me what you see."
Dr. Watson replied, "Well, sir, I see millions of stars in the sky."
Sherlock Holmes asked, "And what does that tell you?"
Dr. Watson paused for a moment and said, "Well, astronomically it tells me that there are billions of stars and possibly millions of galaxies in the universe. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Horalogically I can deduce that it is approximately quarter past three in the morning. Theologically it symbolizes that God is magnificent and that we humans are small and insignificant in the universe. And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
To which Sherlock Holmes replied, "No, stupid! Someone has stolen our tent!"
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the
husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Formerly known as 'Animemaster'
One fine Sunday morning i woke up, Turned to the clock and and saw that it was 7am. I then had a wash got dressed and went downstairs for some breakfast. upon entering the kitchen i looked at the calendar it was the 7th day of the 7th month 1997, After seeing this i thought it was my lucky day, So i sat down to eat my breakfast and looked out the window and saw 7 birds. After my breakfast i decided to take a walk, I picked up the 7 pounds remaining from last night and locked the door. I walked for 7 minutes and eventually found myself outside the betting shop, I decided to make a bet and so i walked in and looked at one of the 7 monitors and decided to make a bet. I bet my 7 pounds on the 7th horse in the 7th race
The horse then came 7th...
This sig was made by KitKat.
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
k heres a joke
there were 4 people living in an apartment building: A blind man on the first floor, a police officer on the second floor, a fireman on the 3rd floor, and a VERY HOT lady on the fourth floor.
One day, the hot girl was taking a shower and she someone knocks on the door 3 times, confirming that it was the fireman. so the girl took her towel, frantically wrapped it around herself, went to her apartment door and opened it. The fireman said, "guess what, guess what? i just saved a cat from a tree." the hot girl replied, "thats nice", then closed the door, and went back to the shower.
then someone else knocks on the door 2 times this time confirming that it was the police officer. So the hot girl took her towel, frantically wrapped it around herself, went to her apartment door, and opened it. the polic officer said, "guess what, guess what, I just caught the number 1 wanted man in america." The hot girl replied by saying, "thats nice," then closed the door, and went back to her shower.
While taking a shower, someone else knocks on the door, ONCE, confirming that it was the blind man. knowing that it was the blind man, the lady thought, "why should i go through all the hassle of taking this towel when its just the blind man. He cant see me anyways." so she didnt put her towel on, walked to her apartment door, and opened it. The blind man then said staring at her. "guess what, guess what, i got my vision back!"
Okay here's a christmas joke for ya. I know it's out of season but It's an original of mine.
Do a "Ho" once, shame on you.
Do a "Ho" twice, shame on me.
Do a "Ho" three times, Merry Chirstmas!
wow that just killed it....
There was this snob ass kid visiting his Dad's sassage factory. the kid is acting all cocky and stuff and the dad was like "aite fuck this ill give it 1 more try" . the dad toured his kid around the factory and as usual the kid was unamazed. when the tour ended the dad said
"This is the machine that when you put pigs in you get sausage"
the kid said
"How original, but can you show me a machine that when you put a sausage in and out comes a pig?"
The dad was mad pissed and said
"yes we call her your mother"
how do you turn a cat into a dog?
cover it in petrol, light and it goes ......Woof !
How much do i suck with photoshop?
was The Next Hokage
To add to the math jokes:
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic. "Ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do."
He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend returns," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."
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