Jokes Oh Yea

[Assassin]

lamo

funny thing is, i always forget teh constants too.....all those marks i've lost *sigh*

[Turkish-S]

2 dumbasses walking down the street the one says to the other can i walk in the middle??
HAHAHAHA -.-

[Hellraiser]

Maddox's Latest
I don't know if it's just me but Maddox doesn't seem to be funny anymore.

[Terracosmo]

Originally posted by: turkish-shikamaru
2 dumbasses walking down the street the one says to the other can i walk in the middle??
HAHAHAHA -.-

Okay, the rest of you can go home. This is the best joke I've ever seen. Seriously, it's so ingenious that it takes 5 re-readings to even grasp pieces of it's complex level of hilarity.

Well I don't have any jokes but you can watch me getting owned by a Gundam Wing fanboy at the most IQ-lacking forum available. Yay? http://www.seed-forum.com/viewtopic....1&start=25

[SK]

yeah i read it, not funny.

[Jman]

this is one account from a guy known as bloodninja. not your typical 'joke' but funny nonetheless

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: Fuck

LMFAO

[To Young]

Dear Technical Support:
I am currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I have been having some problems lately. I have been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I have tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies will not crash if Girlfriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I cant find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Baseball program, often trying to abort Baseball with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to cleanout my whole system and shut down for awhile. I have cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for awhile until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well ,but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I have never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0,which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to FiancTe 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. Isn't this a great Life??????

[SK]

this is funny, btw dont get offended.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..

[Board of Command]

That's just brilliant.

[Roko]

Alrite, here are some more (Sorry for their length...I've already shortened them from the originals.)

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his frazzled assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"


Hereare some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."? (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Jman]

Funny article

AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers
Leading internet provider America Online (AOL) has confirmed a stunning statistic leaked by a dissatisfied employee last week, in documents sold to Fox News for an undisclosed sum.

"While we vigorously condemn the illegal theft of internal company documents, we must admit that they are in fact authentic," said a grim-looking Joe Redley, AOL's chief marketing officer. "Further, the facts as stated in the memos recently released to news organizations are in fact true; namely, that it does appear that a sizeable percentage of AOL subscribers do not, in fact, possess computers."

Until recently, the premier entry point to the Internet frontier, America Online is now trying to reinvent itself in a high-speed Internet world. Parent company Time Warner said last week that AOL lost 646,000 subscribers in the third quarter, reducing its subscriber count to 22.7 million U.S. members as of Sept. 30. It lost two million subscribers year over year. The revelation that 40% of its subscribers do not own computers could not have come at a worse time.

"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

According to the documents obtained by Fox, AOL became aware as early as 2001 that a substantial portion of its subscribers had no idea what a computer was, much less how to use one.

"The fact that they opted not only to keep these clients, but actually pursue such customers with increasing aggressiveness, bespeaks a serious ethical collapse at AOL," said Wired News analyst Mary Kowshik. "It's no wonder they have backed away from offering broadband service to many regions of the country - it is not profitable for them to compete in areas which actually involve offering technical services to people."

AOL was able to get away with this, apparently, because so many people are unclear as to what the internet is, or what benefits to expect from an online account.

"I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages," said Lewen. "We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."

It is unclear whether any charges will be filed against AOL. The only complaint on record at the Internet Fraud Complaint Center is from a dissatisfied AOL subscriber who grumbled that its vaunted pop-up blocking service failed to counteract her husband's Cialis.

"Well, these documents do explain one thing," said Kowshik. "I always wondered how AOL managed to maintain a customer satisfaction rate of 40%. Now we know exactly which 40% of their client base that is."

source

[Assertn]

i think that was a little too much for a sarcastic response to beaver dams.....

[SK]

lol the beaver damn one was funny. so was the one about aol, some people are morons not aol's fault.

[Uchiha Barles]

Lol! Both those jokes are funny. The AOL article is fake though. Even inbreeding can't produce that kind of stupidity without skepticism.

[010577]

alright my favourite joke...

There was once a hippy.... he was really horny and smooth... so he had scored with a lot of women before.... all types... except for a nun.... one day, on the bus, he sees the hottest nun ever! So, knowing the hippy, he approaches the nun and says, "Uh.. Miss, can I have sex with you?" The nun is offended, slaps him, and gets off the bus. "Hey kid, come over here" The bus driver signals to the hippy. The hippy, holding his slightly swollen face, hobbles over. "You know what? If you want to have sex with that nun, you have to deceive her." The hippy's face lights up. "She has a younger brother who is dying from a mysterious disease. If you say you are God and say you will save her brother, she might have sex with you!" The bus driver instructs. The hippy follows the bus driver's instructions and goes to her church... finding her in there praying! The hippy immediately puts on his white gown, halo, beard, and wings then approaches the nun. "I AM GOD! I WILL SAVE YOUR BROTHER! BUT FIRST YOU MUST HAVE SEX WITH ME..." The hippy pulls off a almighty and believing accent. The nun turns to the hippy and says, "Oh God. Please save my brother!! But.. (ponders) I cannot have sex with you as that is a violation of my nun rules, I can only offer anal sex." The hippy thinks for a bit, smirks, then reluctantly (Yeah right!) agrees. After 15 minutes of hot steaming anal, The hippy decides to blow his own cover. "He he he..." he chuckles "I'm the hippy!" The nun, stunned, replies, "He he he... I"M THE BUS DRIVER!"

sorry if this sucked

[SK]

LMAO i think ive heard it before. good one 010.